Frequently Asked Questions

Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own reality, memory, or perceptions — and it's often so gradual you don't notice it happening. Common signs include being told “that never happened,” feeling like you're “too sensitive,” second-guessing your own memory after conversations, and feeling confused or off-balance even when you know what you experienced.

The hardest part about gaslighting is that it makes you distrust the very instinct telling you something is wrong. If you regularly feel like you're “going crazy” after interactions with someone, that feeling itself is a signal worth paying attention to.

reFrame's inbound CPI can look at a specific message someone sent you and identify communication patterns — including gaslighting, deflection, and reality distortion — so you can trust what you're seeing. Paste their message, and CPI will tell you exactly what patterns are present.

Yes — reFrame detects 10 toxic and 7 healthy communication patterns using Communication Pattern Intelligence (CPI) technology, drawing on 40+ years of Gottman Institute research.

Two-way detection means you can paste in a message you received to check for manipulation, gaslighting, contempt, or other harmful patterns — OR paste a message you're about to send to check your own patterns before they cause damage.

No signup required, your messages are never stored, and it's completely private. Also available as a web app and Chrome extension.

Drawing on 40+ years of Gottman Institute research, the Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.

reFrame extends beyond the Four Horsemen to detect additional patterns: gaslighting, manipulation, threats, blackmail, coercion, and passive aggression — 17 patterns total (10 toxic and 7 healthy) across 15 relationship types.

These patterns exist across all relationships — romantic partners, parents and children, managers and employees, friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors. The patterns are the problem, not the person. Everyone uses some of these patterns some of the time. The goal is awareness, not judgment.

First, validate your own experience. If something felt wrong, that feeling matters. You don't need anyone else's permission to trust your own perception.

The R³ Framework™ (Regulated, Respectful, Repairable) offers a practical structure: Regulated means managing your own emotional state before responding. Respectful means maintaining your own dignity — this doesn't mean being nice to someone who's hurting you. Repairable means keeping doors open only if it's safe to do so.

Concrete strategies: name the specific behavior without attacking the person, state your boundary clearly, and don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) with someone who's gaslighting you. JADE gives a gaslighter more material to distort.

reFrame can help you craft a response that sets boundaries without escalating — paste your draft response and it will coach you through the R³ principles, catching any reactive patterns before you send them.

The Four Horsemen come from Dr. John Gottman's research at the University of Washington — they're four communication patterns strongly associated with relationship failure:

• Criticism: Attacking someone's character rather than addressing a specific behavior (“You're so lazy” vs. “I'm frustrated about the dishes”)
• Contempt: Expressing superiority or disgust — eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling. The single strongest predictor of relationship failure.
• Defensiveness: Deflecting responsibility instead of listening — excuse-making, counter-attacking, playing the victim
• Stonewalling: Shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage. Often happens when someone is emotionally flooded.

Gottman also identified antidotes: Gentle Startup, Building a Culture of Appreciation, Taking Responsibility, and Physiological Self-Soothing.

reFrame's CPI draws on this research but extends it significantly — detecting 17 patterns (10 toxic and 7 healthy) calibrated across 15 relationship types, because contempt from a romantic partner looks different from contempt from a manager.

Defensiveness is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen — it's a natural response to perceived criticism, but it blocks resolution because it sends the message “your concern doesn't matter.”

The antidote is taking responsibility for even a small part of the issue — not because you're wrong about everything, but because it breaks the escalation cycle. When one person takes even partial ownership, the dynamic shifts from attack-defend to problem-solving.

The R³ Framework approach: Regulated — pause before reacting. The defensive reflex is fast; the wise response takes a moment. Respectful — acknowledge the other person's experience even if you disagree with their conclusion. Repairable — offer something concrete: “You're right that I forgot. I'll set a reminder next time.”

reFrame can catch defensiveness in your outbound messages before you send them and suggest a reframe that addresses the concern without the defensive armor.

The R³ Framework (Regulated, Respectful, Repairable) provides a practical structure: Regulated — are you in a state to have this conversation? Respectful — can you express your need without attacking their character? Repairable — are you leaving room for resolution?

Most conflict communication fails at step one — we try to resolve issues while emotionally flooded, which guarantees escalation. Research shows that when your heart rate is above 100 BPM, your capacity for empathy and problem-solving drops dramatically.

Concrete steps: take a 20-minute break if you're too activated, lead with how you feel rather than what they did (“I feel unheard” vs. “You never listen”), and make a specific request rather than a general complaint.

reFrame helps by checking your message before you send it and coaching you through each R³ principle — so you can practice healthy conflict communication in the moment when it matters most.

reFrame checks messages you're about to send for 17 communication patterns using Communication Pattern Intelligence (CPI) technology — not just tone or grammar, but the actual relational patterns that damage trust and connection.

This is different from Grammarly or tone-checkers: reFrame doesn't just tell you a message sounds “angry.” It tells you specifically that your message contains contempt (expressing superiority), explains why that's harmful in your specific relationship context, and offers a reframe that preserves your meaning while removing the relational damage.

The goal isn't to make your messages “nice” — it's to make them effective. Sometimes the healthiest message is a firm boundary. reFrame helps you set that boundary without contempt.

Available on the web at wereframe.com/reframe or via Chrome extension.

reFrame™ is an AI-powered communication ally that helps you transform emotionally charged messages into dignity-first communication. Type your raw, honest thoughts, and reFrame provides a healthier version that preserves your feelings while building connection instead of conflict.

reFrame uses CPI (Communication Pattern Intelligence) to detect 10 toxic and 7 healthy patterns in your messages before reframing them using the R³ Framework (Regulated, Respectful, Repairable). It offers Two-Way CPI (Patent Pending) — analyzing both what you received AND what you plan to send.

Beyond message reframing, reFrame also offers Situation reFrame (paste a whole conversation for multi-party analysis), The Rehearsal (practice difficult conversations), and Practice Hub (build communication skills through exercises).

Simply type the message you want to send (or wish you hadn't sent) into reFrame. Here's what happens:

1. CPI Detection: Your message is checked for harmful patterns like criticism, contempt, gaslighting, or manipulation — and healthy patterns like accountability and repair attempts.

2. Warning (if needed): If toxic patterns are found, you'll see an educational explanation of why they're harmful.

3. Your Choice: You can edit your message or proceed to reframing.

4. R³ Reframe: Our AI provides a version that keeps your authentic feelings but expresses them through regulated, respectful, repairable communication.

You can then copy the reframed message and use it in your actual conversation.

Yes. We take privacy seriously. Your messages are processed to provide CPI detection and the reframe, but we don't store your personal conversations by default (Tier 1: process and discard). You can optionally enable conversation history (Tier 2) in your settings. We may retain anonymized, aggregated data (like “15% of messages contained criticism patterns”) but never individual messages tied to you unless you opt in. See our Privacy Policy for full details.

reFrame offers three tiers:

See our Pricing page for full details.

Yes! The web version works on any device with a browser. reFrame is also available as an iOS and Android app. Plus, you can use the Chrome extension to highlight and reFrame any message on the web.

Yes. Usage varies by tier:

CPI (Communication Pattern Intelligence) is our proprietary AI-powered system that identifies both toxic and healthy communication patterns in messages you send and receive. It draws on 40+ years of Gottman Institute research on what predicts relationship failure — and what predicts relationship success.

CPI detects 10 toxic patterns and 7 healthy patterns — 17 total:

Toxic patterns (red flags):

• Criticism: Attacking character instead of addressing behavior
• Contempt: Disrespect, mockery, superiority (most destructive)
• Defensiveness: Playing victim, making excuses, counter-attacking
• Stonewalling: Withdrawal, silent treatment, shutting down
• Gaslighting: Denying reality, questioning someone's perception
• Manipulation: Guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, conditional love
• Threats/Intimidation: Ultimatums, abandonment threats, controlling behavior
• Blackmail/Extortion: Leveraging secrets or information for control
• Coercion: Pressuring compliance through force or persistence
• Passive Aggression: Indirect hostility, sarcasm, backhanded compliments

Healthy patterns (green flags):

• Validation: Acknowledging the other person's experience
• Gentle Startup: Raising issues without attacking
• Accountability: Taking responsibility for impact
• De-escalation: Reducing tension constructively
• Appreciation: Expressing genuine gratitude
• Repair Attempts: Trying to fix what went wrong
• Active Listening: Demonstrating genuine engagement

Yes! CPI offers Two-Way Communication Pattern Intelligence (Patent Pending).

Inbound Protection: When you paste context (what they said to you), CPI checks THEIR message for toxic patterns like gaslighting, manipulation, and stonewalling — and highlights healthy patterns like accountability and repair attempts. If toxic patterns are detected, you'll see a warning that validates your perception and suggests healthy boundary-setting responses.

Outbound Protection: CPI also checks YOUR message before you send it, catching patterns like contempt, criticism, and defensiveness, while recognizing your healthy communication strengths.

Why this matters: People in toxic relationships often can't see manipulation clearly. Gaslighting victims doubt their own reality. CPI provides real-time validation: “You're not crazy. This IS gaslighting.”

This is one of our most powerful features. When CPI detects toxic patterns in the context you provide, you'll see:

• Pattern identification: Which specific patterns are present
• Educational explanation: Why these patterns are harmful to YOU
• Validation: “Your perception is valid. These patterns are real. Trust yourself.”
• Response suggestion: How to set boundaries without engaging with toxicity

CPI also highlights any healthy patterns in their message — because sometimes a message contains both toxic and healthy patterns, and understanding that complexity matters.

No — reFrame's CPI engine detects both toxic and healthy communication patterns. When someone sends you a message containing genuine accountability, a repair attempt, or active listening, reFrame highlights it as a “green flag.” This helps you recognize healthy communication, which is especially important if past relationships have made it hard to trust your own judgment about what's normal.

Green flags are research-informed positive communication patterns. reFrame detects seven: validation, gentle start-ups, accountability, de-escalation, appreciation, repair attempts, and active listening. These are the opposite of toxic patterns — they're signs of healthy communication. reFrame surfaces them so you can recognize when someone is communicating well, not just when they're communicating poorly.

Yes, and this is one of CPI's most important capabilities. A message like “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you always provoke me” contains a repair attempt (healthy) AND blame-shifting (toxic). reFrame shows you both. Learning to see this complexity — “they're trying AND there's still a pattern here” — is a key part of developing real communication intelligence.

Important clarification: CPI detects communication patterns, not diagnoses abuse or labels people.

What CPI DOES: Identifies specific patterns (both toxic and healthy), explains why patterns are harmful, validates your perception if toxic patterns are present, suggests healthy responses and boundaries.

What CPI DOESN'T do: Diagnose mental health conditions, label someone as “an abuser,” tell you to leave the relationship, or replace professional help.

Think of CPI as pattern intelligence, not diagnosis. You maintain full autonomy to decide what to do with the information.

If toxic patterns are detected in both their message (context) and your draft response, CPI shows the INBOUND alert first because your safety and validation are the priority.

After you see that their behavior is manipulative/toxic, if you click “Continue to reFrame” and your response STILL contains harmful patterns, you'll see a second alert about your outbound message.

Why this order matters: It's important for you to understand you're responding to toxicity BEFORE being told your response is also toxic. Context matters.

No! CPI doesn't judge you as a person — it identifies communication patterns. We all use these patterns sometimes, especially when hurt or angry. CPI is there to help you notice them and learn healthier alternatives. It's education, not judgment.

R³ stands for REGULATED, RESPECTFUL, REPAIRABLE — the three pillars of dignity-first communication:

• REGULATED: Pause before reacting. Strong emotions are signals, not commands.
• RESPECTFUL: Protect dignity even in disagreement. Separate person from position.
• REPAIRABLE: Mistakes don't end relationships. Apologize, own impact, reconnect.

Learn more on our R³ Framework page.

Most tools check grammar or tone. reFrame teaches relationship psychology through both positive modeling (R³) and pattern detection (CPI). We're not just making you sound nicer — we're teaching you to communicate in ways that strengthen relationships across generations. The R³ Framework draws on decades of research on conflict resolution, psychological safety, and observational learning.

Not at all! You can use reFrame without knowing anything about R³. Just type your message and get a better version. CPI will teach you what to avoid, and R³ will show you what to do instead. Over time, you'll naturally start noticing the patterns and internalizing the framework. Think of it as training wheels — you benefit immediately, and the learning happens organically.

CPI teaches what to avoid (criticism, contempt, etc.) and recognizes what you're doing right (accountability, repair attempts, etc.)

R³ teaches what to do instead (regulated, respectful, repairable communication)

Together, they create a complete learning system: identify harmful patterns, replace them with healthy ones, and celebrate your growth along the way.

Situation reFrame lets you paste an entire conversation or describe a situation in your own words. CPI analyzes all parties involved, identifies who's doing what, and provides coaching on your best next move — including what role you played and what to do differently.

This is different from Message reFrame (which handles a single message). Situation reFrame handles multi-message exchanges and complex dynamics where you need to understand the full picture.

Try it at Situation reFrame.

Message reFrame: Paste one message you want to send (or received). Get a CPI detection report and a reframed version using R³ principles.

Situation reFrame: Paste an entire exchange or describe what happened. Get a full situational analysis — who said what, which patterns are present from all parties, what your part in it is, and a concrete first move for what to do next.

Use Message reFrame when you have a specific message to improve. Use Situation reFrame when you need to understand a complex situation.

The Rehearsal lets you practice difficult conversations before they happen. Describe the situation, choose who you're talking to, and rehearse with an AI partner that responds realistically based on the relationship type.

Branching scenarios show how different approaches lead to different outcomes. Coaching cards provide real-time R³ guidance as you practice.

Think of it as a flight simulator for difficult conversations. Try it at The Rehearsal.

You rehearse in a safe environment where there are no real consequences. The AI responds realistically — it doesn't just agree with you. You can try different approaches and see how they land.

Each exchange is an opportunity to practice R³ principles: staying regulated under pressure, maintaining respect even when the conversation gets hard, and keeping things repairable. The more you practice, the more natural these skills become in real conversations.

Practice Hub offers three exercise types to build your communication skills:

• Name It: Identify patterns in example messages — learn to spot toxic and healthy patterns quickly
• reFrame It: Practice reframing toxic messages using R³ principles — your reframes are AI-graded for quality
• Own It: Express difficult feelings from scratch — practice saying what you need to say without toxic patterns

Exercises are personalized based on your most common patterns and adjust in difficulty as you improve. Try it at Practice Hub.

The Mirror is your personal communication dashboard. It shows:

• Pattern trends: How your communication patterns change over time
• Communication score: A holistic measure of your communication health
• Growth narrative: A personalized story of your progress
• Coaching cards: Targeted lessons based on your patterns

It reflects your behavior back to you without judgment — a mirror, not a judge. Available to users with accounts.

Use reFrame whenever you're about to send a message from heightened emotion — hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment. Perfect situations include:

• Disagreements with your partner
• Difficult conversations with family
• Workplace conflicts
• Setting boundaries
• Responding to criticism
• Any time you think “I want to say something but I don't know how”

Absolutely! reFrame works for professional communication too. Many users find it helpful for giving feedback, addressing conflicts with colleagues, or navigating difficult conversations with managers or clients. CPI is particularly valuable at work — catching contempt or threats before you send them to your boss could save your career.

That's totally fine! reFrame is a suggestion, not a prescription. Use it as a starting point. You might take parts of it, rewrite sections, or use it to spark your own ideas. The goal is to help you express yourself better, not to put words in your mouth.

No. reFrame preserves your authentic feelings — it just helps you express them constructively. You're not pretending to feel differently; you're learning to express what you actually feel in a way that the other person can hear. That's not fake. That's skilled communication.

As often as you need! Some people use it daily, others weekly. Over time, you'll likely need it less as the R³ patterns become natural to you and you learn to avoid toxic patterns. That's the goal — we want you to outgrow the tool.

First, recognize that this is valuable feedback! If CPI consistently finds patterns in your communication, that's an opportunity to learn. Pay attention to which patterns appear most often — that's where you can focus your growth. Over time, you should see fewer warnings as you internalize healthier communication habits.

If patterns persist despite effort, consider working with a therapist or communication coach. CPI can identify issues, but professional support helps address their roots.

The R³ Framework and CPI draw on decades of research:

• Gottman Institute (40+ years): Research on what predicts relationship success and failure
• Conflict Resolution (NIH): Avoiding conflict harms relationships more than addressing it constructively
• Psychological Safety (Harvard): Teams with high psychological safety show better performance
• Observational Learning (Bandura): Children learn behaviors by watching parents model them
• Repair Research (Gottman): Successful relationships are repair-rich, not conflict-free

Children don't inherit beliefs — they inherit nervous systems. When they watch how parents handle conflict during the first 10 years of life, those patterns become their blueprint. By modeling R³ communication and avoiding toxic patterns, you're teaching the next generation how to navigate disagreement healthily. That's how cycles break.

No, reFrame is not therapy and doesn't replace professional mental health support. Think of it as a communication ally — we help you express yourself better in specific moments through R³ and teach you patterns to avoid through CPI. Therapy addresses deeper patterns, trauma, and mental health. Both can be valuable, and they complement each other.

reFrame is powered by Claude, developed by Anthropic. We've specifically designed our prompts around the R³ Framework to ensure every reframe embodies regulated, respectful, repairable communication, and around CPI to accurately detect both toxic and healthy patterns.

Yes! By default, messages are processed and discarded to protect your privacy (Tier 1). But if you create an account, you can opt in to Tier 2 (Store for Review) in your settings. This lets you save your reframes, track your progress over time, and see your pattern trends on The Mirror dashboard. You're always in control of your data.

Yes. Usage varies by tier:

Currently, CPI is optimized for English. We're working on multi-language support. Communication patterns exist across cultures, but they may manifest differently, so we're taking time to ensure accuracy.