Communication Patterns Glossary
Definitions and explanations of toxic patterns, healthy patterns, research concepts, and communication strategies used in reFrame™.
■Toxic Pattern
Criticism
Attacking someone's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. One of Gottman's Four Horsemen. Example: "You always..." or "You never..." statements. The antidote is a Gentle Startup — expressing needs without blame.
Contempt
Communicating disrespect through mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, hostile humor, or expressions of superiority. The single strongest predictor of relationship failure according to Gottman research. The antidote is Appreciation — building a culture of fondness and respect.
Defensiveness
Responding to concerns with excuses, counter-attacks, or playing the victim rather than taking responsibility. Tells the other person their concern does not matter. The antidote is Taking Responsibility — owning your part.
Stonewalling
Emotionally withdrawing from a conversation — going silent, refusing to engage, walking away, or giving one-word dismissive responses. The antidote is a Self-Soothing Request — asking for a break with a commitment to return.
Gaslighting
A form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you doubt your own reality, memory, or perception. Includes denying events, questioning your sanity, trivializing your feelings, and rewriting history. Especially harmful in digital communication where there is often a written record being denied.
Manipulation
Using guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, conditional affection, or leveraging vulnerabilities to control someone's behavior. Often disguised as concern or love.
Passive Aggression
Indirect expression of hostility through backhanded compliments, sarcastic compliance, proclaiming innocence while attacking, or deliberate inefficiency. "Fine." "Whatever you say." "I'm not mad, I just think it's funny how..."
Coercive Control
A pattern of behavior that removes someone's autonomy through monitoring, isolation, financial control, threats, and surveillance. Recognized as a form of domestic abuse in many jurisdictions. Goes beyond individual toxic patterns to describe a systematic pattern of domination.
Love Bombing
Overwhelming someone with affection, attention, and praise early in a relationship to create dependency. Often followed by devaluation once the person is emotionally invested. Common in narcissistic relationship patterns.
DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A manipulation tactic where the abuser denies the behavior, attacks the person confronting them, and then reverses the roles — claiming THEY are the victim. Common in narcissistic abuse and gaslighting dynamics.
Flying Monkeys
People recruited by a narcissist to do their bidding — spreading information, applying pressure, or attacking the target on the narcissist's behalf. The term comes from "The Wizard of Oz." Flying monkeys may not realize they are being manipulated into participating in abuse.
Trauma Bond
A strong emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement (alternating cruelty with kindness). The unpredictability creates a biochemical bond similar to addiction. In digital communication, trauma bonds are maintained through hot-cold texting patterns.
Triangulation
A manipulation tactic where a third person is brought into a two-person dynamic to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition. In texts: "My friend thinks you're overreacting" or "My ex would never have done this." Creates emotional instability by making you compete for attention.
Word Salad
A narcissistic communication tactic involving circular arguments, contradictions, topic-switching, and nonsensical statements designed to confuse and exhaust the other person. The goal is not to communicate — it is to drain your energy so you give up trying to be understood.
Future Faking
Making promises about the future with no intention of following through. Used to maintain control and keep someone invested in the relationship. In texts: "Next month will be different" or "I'm going to change, I promise." The promises are the manipulation.
Hoovering
Named after the vacuum brand. When a narcissist tries to "suck" a person back into the relationship after a period of distance or no-contact. Tactics include sudden apologies, love bombing, guilt trips, emergencies, or using mutual connections. Often triggered when the narcissist loses their supply.
Digital Abuse
Using technology to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate a partner or family member. Includes monitoring texts and social media, demanding passwords, controlling who someone can communicate with, threatening to share private content, and using location tracking without consent.
■Healthy Pattern
Gentle Startup
The antidote to Criticism. Raising a concern without blame or character attack, using "I" statements to express needs. Example: "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always..."
Repair Attempt
Any statement or action during or after conflict that attempts to de-escalate or reconnect. Repair attempts are the #1 predictor of relationship stability according to Gottman research. They can be as simple as a joke, a touch, or "Can we start over?"
Research Concept
Four Horsemen
The four communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because their sustained presence signals a relationship is in serious danger.
Gottman Antidotes
Seven healthy communication patterns identified by Gottman research: Gentle Startup, Appreciation, Taking Responsibility, Self-Soothing Request, Repair Attempt, Vulnerability Expression, and Accepting Influence. Each antidote counteracts a specific toxic pattern.
Emotional Flooding
A state of physiological overwhelm (heart rate above ~100 BPM) triggered by emotional conflict. When flooded, the prefrontal cortex goes partially offline, impairing judgment, empathy, and impulse control. Gottman research shows productive conversation is physiologically impossible in this state. The antidote is a 20-minute self-soothing break.
Reactive Communication
Messages sent while emotionally flooded — before the rational brain has re-engaged. Reactive texts are characterized by ALL CAPS, "You always/never" language, threats, ultimatums, and content the sender regrets within minutes. The opposite of regulated communication.
Communication Strategy
Grey Rock Method
A strategy for dealing with narcissistic or manipulative people where you make yourself as uninteresting as possible — short, factual responses with no emotional content. The goal is to remove the "supply" that keeps the narcissist engaged in manipulating you.
BIFF Response
Brief, Informational, Friendly, Firm. A communication strategy developed by Bill Eddy for high-conflict situations. Keep messages short, stick to facts, maintain a pleasant tone, and hold your boundaries. Especially useful in co-parenting and legal contexts.
JADE
Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. What NOT to do when communicating with a manipulative person. Each justification gives them a new angle of attack. State your boundary once and stop. "No" is a complete sentence.
Parallel Parenting
A strategy for high-conflict co-parenting situations where traditional co-parenting (collaboration, shared decisions) is not possible. Each parent makes day-to-day decisions independently during their parenting time. Communication is limited to logistics only, kept in writing, and uses BIFF format.
■reFrame Technology
R³ Framework™
reFrame™'s trademarked methodology for dignity-first communication. Three pillars: Regulated (express emotion without losing control), Respectful (maintain dignity even in disagreement), Repairable (keep the door open for resolution). Every reframed message follows these principles.
Communication Pattern Intelligence (CPI)
reFrame™'s patent-pending AI detection system. Identifies 10 toxic patterns and 7 healthy Gottman Antidote patterns in text messages. Works bidirectionally — analyzing both inbound (received) and outbound (sent) messages. Calibrated across 15 relationship types.
Two-Way CPI
reFrame™'s patent-pending bidirectional analysis. Most tools only check what you write (outbound). Two-Way CPI also analyzes what you received (inbound) to detect gaslighting, manipulation, and other toxic patterns directed at you — validating victims and holding users accountable.
Inbound Analysis
Analyzing a message someone sent TO you. CPI identifies toxic patterns in their communication and validates your perception. Especially valuable for gaslighting victims who have been conditioned to doubt their own reality.
Outbound Analysis
Analyzing a message you plan to SEND. CPI catches toxic patterns in your own communication before they cause harm, then provides an R³ Framework reframed alternative.
Therapeutic Trojan Horse
reFrame™'s core design philosophy. Users think they are getting a communication tool; what they are actually getting is behavioral reconditioning through repetition and positive reinforcement. Every use is a micro-training session in healthy communication. The goal: users outgrow the tool.
Voice Preservation
reFrame™'s approach to reframing that preserves the user's authentic voice rather than producing generic therapy-speak. The Voice Profile Engine analyzes 8 linguistic dimensions (formality, emotional temperature, directness, sentence rhythm, etc.) to ensure reframed messages sound like the user, not a therapist.
Bidirectional Analysis
Analyzing communication in both directions: inbound (what you received) AND outbound (what you plan to send). Most communication tools only check outbound. reFrame™'s bidirectional approach validates victims (inbound) AND holds users accountable (outbound) — a patent-pending capability.
See These Patterns in Action
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Try reFrame™ NowLast reviewed: March 2026