The Pattern Guide

The pattern is the problem, not the person. Here's how to recognize them — and change them.

The Patterns That Break Relationships

You can't change what you can't see

Research has identified four communication patterns that consistently erode relationships over time. Most people don't realize they're using them. reFrame™ helps you see all four — and learn the healthier alternatives.

Contempt

Communicating from a position of superiority. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery. It says "I'm better than you." Contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.

What it sounds like:

  • "You're so clueless."
  • "Oh, that's just brilliant." (sarcastically)

The Antidote (Respectful):

Express appreciation and respect. Describe your feelings and needs without tearing down the other person.

Criticism

Attacking someone's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. It turns a complaint about something they did into a judgment about who they are.

What it sounds like:

  • "You never think about anyone but yourself."
  • "You always forget everything."

The Antidote (Regulated):

Use "I" statements. Describe the specific behavior and how it affects you, not what it says about their character.

Defensiveness

Deflecting responsibility, often by counter-attacking or playing the victim. It blocks repair because it refuses to acknowledge any part of the problem.

What it sounds like:

  • "That's not my fault, you're the one who..."
  • "I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't..."

The Antidote (Repairable):

Accept responsibility for your part, even if small. "You're right, I should have..." opens the door that defensiveness slams shut.

Stonewalling

Withdrawing from the conversation entirely. Shutting down, going silent, physically leaving during conflict. It leaves the other person talking to a wall.

What it sounds like:

  • Silence. Walking away mid-conversation.
  • "I'm done talking about this."

The Antidote (Repairable):

Self-soothe, then return to the conversation. Ask for a timed break ("I need 20 minutes"), not an indefinite exit.

Manipulation Patterns

These patterns are harder to spot because they often disguise themselves as love, concern, or innocence. Learning to name them is the first step toward protecting yourself.

Gaslighting

Making someone question their own reality, memory, or perception. The person denies what happened, minimizes your feelings, or rewrites history until you stop trusting yourself.

What it sounds like:

  • "That never happened."
  • "You're being crazy."
  • "I never said that."

Why it matters:

Gaslighting erodes your ability to trust yourself. reFrame™'s inbound analysis helps you see the pattern clearly — so you can trust your perception again.

Love Bombing

Overwhelming someone with excessive affection, attention, or gifts — often early in a relationship or after conflict — to gain control rather than build genuine connection.

What it sounds like:

  • "You're the most amazing person I've ever met." (after 2 days)
  • Sudden gifts or intense affection right after an argument.

Why it matters:

Love bombing creates emotional dependency and can mask abusive cycles. The intensity feels like love, but it's about control.

DARVO

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A pattern where the person who caused harm denies it, attacks the person raising the concern, and then claims to be the real victim.

What it sounds like:

  • "I didn't do that. Why are you attacking me? You're the one hurting ME."
  • "I can't believe you'd accuse me of that — do you know how much that hurts?"

Why it matters:

DARVO makes victims feel guilty for speaking up. Recognizing this pattern helps you hold your ground when someone flips the script.

The R³ Antidotes

The R³ Framework™ gives you three pillars for building communication that heals instead of harms.

Regulated

Responding from intention, not reaction. Pausing before speaking. Managing your emotional state so it doesn't drive your words.

Respectful

Valuing the other person's dignity, even in disagreement. Attacking the problem, not the person.

Repairable

When you mess up (and you will), you come back to repair. Accountability, not perfection.

You're Not Alone

If you're reading this because you recognized a pattern in your own life — that recognition is the first step. reFrame™ is here to help you see the patterns clearly and communicate in a way that builds connection instead of conflict.

Try reFrame™

Pattern categories informed by peer-reviewed relationship science and clinical communication research.